Flashback

This is not exactly what I have to do to move on but I have to walk down the memory lane to let go.

I've spent 5 years of my life with two different guys.
I am a long term person. I don't like short term relationship. I don't want a boyfriend, I want someone to love me, I just want them to stay with me until death do us apart.

I can make a conclusion from the total of 5 years of my experience on being in a not-so-long-term relationship.
--- It never worked out.

My first long term relationship ends with betrayal.
While my first longest relationship ends with me, not being loved back.


Heart aching. Yes, indeed.

Those 2 are the worst feelings a person could or sometimes, could not endure or bear.
I've been through both of the situations.

Betrayal is the number one most hurtful feeling I've ever felt. It feels as if you've been back stabbed with a knife and the knife went deep through your heart, you can see the knife came out from your chest. It is that deep. Can you imagine the scars? I can still see it until now. I don't think someone should gamble someone else's trust and feelings in this love game. Trust is hard to gain but so easy to lose. I don't know how could my heart trust a person so much it get hurts so easily. I've been betrayed so many times and I, too, have betrayed people before, back when I was a kid where faithful and loyal were never exist in my relationship dictionary. I too, get back what I deserved when I have learned to be faithful and loyal to someone, and they choose to be the other way round.

You know what's worst?
When you love someone so much, they don't love you back.
When you have spent so many years with someone, and everything turns into nothing.
When you trust someone so much, they break your heart into pieces.
When you sacrifice for someone who won't sacrifice for you.
When you.. don't get what you want in return. To be loved, to be taken care of, to be asked to stay.

How can a person be so mean? How can a person be so ignorant?
How do someone suddenly lose feelings?

I just don't get it.
I can't even.. sigh.

Don't you feel guilty?
Don't you ever take a second or two to reminisce the good times and the bad times we've been through together before you decided to say something that will hurt her feelings?
Why can't you just say what you have to say before things get 'fixed' as I thought it will be. I thought everything is alright, I thought we're trying but it's me who's trying...alone. I can't believe that you've lied to me about your feelings. I can't believe that the person who I have trusted the most, say the meanest thing that have left me speechless. It made me cry a river. God, my tears drop like a waterfall. I cried so hard, I can't breathe. I was in pain and I have to bear it alone. No one was there for me to hug me or wipe my tears. The hardest thing to do is forcing myself to sleep and not think about it. Imagine sleeping with a broken heart, it haunts you in your dream. As much as you try to forget and run away, it keeps coming back to you.

I am trying to be strong but the questions can't stop coming in. They noticed. I am unhappy. I am upset. I am  depressed. I am just.. sad and brokenhearted. They noticed and so, they asked. It left me unspoken. I don't know how to respond.

You are the reason to these tears. You have put me in jeopardy. You jeopardize me.
You are the reason for this heartache.

It burns so fast like matches. Every single dream of us I used to have. Every bit of it.

This is not new to me, I'll survive this heartache. I know I will.



God's will, Inshaa Allah.