Over thinking

kills.

I have been distracting myself with Wolf of Wall Street and chocolates and stuffs but I am nothing near distracted. Oh god, You know how much I hate over thinking. It really kills, really does.

I am currently in a situation where, I am afraid that money will take over everything.
Me, my feelings and literally...everything.

I keep on reminding myself that people are forgetful and it has been haunting me since then. I am afraid. Weird to be thinking that I am afraid of money... but then again, no. I am afraid of what money can do to me and people.

I am afraid that I am going to be forgetful, which I pray and chant everyday in my daily prayers, I don't want to be forgetful. I don't want to be greedy. I keep on reminding myself that I am not only doing this for me, but for my parents. My mind keeps on feeding me negative thoughts of how forgetful I can be with money, buying the stuffs I want, going to all the places I want to go.... everything that will make me drift away from my pure intention. I want to give my parents what they have given me all these years. I want to be able to help my parents, to be worry-less. I want them to sit back and relax, watch the days go by with a smile on  their face and just.. grow old together. My dad worked so hard his entire life that lately, he fell sick and that got me worried... He keeps on saying things which I don't even want to listen, which I can't even bear to listen. He did say something about this one particular issue that got me really stunted. It's like a.. request. Like, the only request he has ever given to me, my entire life. Not as serious as "study smart, make us proud". Nothing close. Mama told me that he's all worn out, he got tired of working. Ya Allah, what can a helpless person like me do? I am trying my hardest to find a solution to this by working my ass out to help him support the entire family. Inshaa Allah, with what I am doing right now, I can make it a reality. Even time is critical. Chins up.

I am so worried and stressed ever since.

Ah, talking about being forgetful, I am starting to forget what really matters, after my family.
My boyfriend.
Of him being forgetful, too.
Well, I've never really been in this kind of situation.
I know you're going to read this anyway. You know I am not much of a speaker, it's because I'm a writer at best... only when it comes to feelings, not sales.

I know, you've been through bumps and rocky roads these past few weeks.. but you never failed to keep that smile on your face. You know you are so sure that Allah is testing your patience, when you had nothing. So you keep yourself at place and keep on believing. At the end of the day, yes, proven. Allah is testing you, to give you more on what you have lost. How grateful I am to be able to witness His promises. I am so happy, to see you happy. Your success brings me tears of happiness even I am not directly involved with it. I am still happy to get to be with you through your hardship.

I am afraid that you will be the person I don't want you to be. Please, no. I had enough of heart break.
You know that feeling when you have everything. When you are able to control... it's when you have money. Control is power, power is money. The point where you start thinking that you deserve better in everything. When you start looking something or someone better for your life. You can buy a girl's heart with money, this time. Who doesn't love money right? Well atleast I know, I came before the money came and the person who comes after me, comes after the money. Well, atleast I know, I love you for who you are, not your money or achievement. IF this is one of the effect of money, I wouldn't be surprised.

By heart break I mean broken promises.
You promised me a lot of things, and one thing I forgot to do is that, I forgot to tell you to hold on to your words, which I... have clearly seen it the other day. I've become so sharp of everything that came out of your mouth, I am starting to notice you are starting to lose your grip on your words. It's not the same as you told me. It kind of triggers my insecurities, my trust but I keep on forcing myself to not over think. How could I possibly not over think over the things I know that have hurt me?

You might be confused now. Thinking of what you have said the other day. I have it so clear in my mind. So clear, safe and captivated in my mind.

Oh well. I am trying to take it easy. It's okay.
This is a reminder to myself. To always be aware of things; especially on words. Words are sharper than knives. If it kills me, it will only makes me stronger.

Always, always prepare for the worst.

Time

Thought I should give time, a little time to write.
Because,

I am distracted by time, most of the time.
Because time distracts me to do other important things than just write.

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote.
I was wrong, I was distracted by someone who has changed my whole life.
My love.

and he occupied most of my time. Every empty slots of my every day life.


If I start writing about him now, I won't stop.
But you know, somehow I will.

I will make him a tribute.
As a spoiler, it includes..
Every little detail of him and on how I admire his beautiful eyes. On how I see those eyes light up every time he smiles. On how he treats me, surprises me. On how happy I am when I'm with him. The list goes on...



Love is at its best when it is unexpected. That's how everything starts. Who knew with a simple random 'hey
' could change your entire life.
And, suddenly he's your heartthrob.
And, you never look back.


I love you, with every cell of my heart, Danial Haikal.

Hello, love.

It's because little things can lead to something unthinkable like,
meeting you.

Someone I thought I'll never end up being with because everything is so unexpected.

I was wrong about not being able to love or trust again.
I don't know what makes my heart skips a beat every time I see your text on my screen.
It's like a typical teenage love story. Can't sleep, can't eat.. just cause you can't stop thinking of that particular someone.

He is the gardener who waters the flower in my heart,because I can feel it bloom.
Sigh. I miss this feeling.

He, who makes my heart blooms is beyond my expectation. Perfect.
Atleast, to me.

This is real life, I am in love.
Just in case you need to know, his initial is D.

Suis

I don't know about you but the "on and off relationship" have to stop.

Rasa macam kau tak sempat pulun habis untuk move on, cuba untuk lupakan perasaan tu, tiba-tiba perasaan tu connected balik. Sebab dia rasa sunyi tanpa kau.

Lepastu dia tinggal balik, sebab dia rimas.

Lepastu dia datang balik, sebab rindu.

Alasan dua-dua dekat atas tak boleh dipakai guna banyak kali, sebab sampai bila kau nak on dan off?
Aku bagitahu, kalau betul dia mahukan engkau, dia bukan datang balik sebab rindu dan sunyi. Dia datang balik sebab sebenarnya dia dah tahu perasaan bila tiada kehadiran kau. SEBAB dia rasa dia patut 'simpan' kau dan takut kehilangan kau. Kalau atas sebab sunyi dan rindu. Fikir balik, sunyi dan rindu ada berlawanannya.

On and off maksud aku, on and off on and off on and off and on and off and on again.
Berduyun-duyun.

Bukan lagi, " I believe in second chances. "
Dah jadi, " I believe in second, third, fourth, fifth... and the list goes on... chances."

Note that in life, chances are something precious. It's like you're doing a favor to yourself.
Chances; " to let him hurt you or to not let him hurt you. "

When you give people too many chances, you are lack of self-defense.
You are giving people the opportunity to hurt you more, for free.


That's the person I used to be. Too forgiving. I give people too many chances and they walk away with all my chances until I have nothing left to give. I didn't realize that it is that special. That much of a favor I can do for myself. It is called self-defense. You are your own life saver, if you can't save yourself from people hurting you then, who else will? Toughen up yourself. You can use a little dignity.


Learn to reconsider.
Third chances doesn't exist unless you really want to risk yourself, go ahead.

Apa lagi dunia mahu?

Seriously?
Correction.
Apa lagi orang mahu.

Itu sebenarnya.
Aku tak faham soal bercinta lama-lama, putus tengah jalan.
Aku terfikir sebab ye lah, selama kau bertahan itu, apa yang buat kau bertahan begitu lama..tiba-tiba apa yang buat kau tidak bertahan?

Kemahuan.

Untuk apa?

Untuk merasa sesuatu baru.
Untuk merasa bebas.
Untuk merasa.. apa saja lah. Itu semua atas kehendak dan kemahuan sendiri.

Tapi semua kemahuan tu leads us to the act of letting go, which is hard.
When you're so used to being loved by a person, and when that person's gone, it feels as if something or a part of you is missing. It can't only be described by words, but also, from our action. Like, everything you do reminds you of that person. It's not like you want to remember but your brain triggers your memories so fast it came out in form of flashback. An auto-flashback.

And there you go again, trying to just forget about it and move on.

Kesian lah. Bila kau cuba cari kekuatan, minda kau yang merosakkan.
Sebab tu orang kata, hati dan minda kau masing-masing adalah musuh.

Hati bila kau rasa, rasa. Kalau minda, kau rasa, kau boleh manipulasi segera. Tapi hati tidak.

Mungkin kita kena pandai jaga diri. Buat lah ikut diri sendiri. Ikut masa, kalau kena guna hati, guna. Kalau minda, minda.

Tapi, aku kasi warning; it's easier said than done. Tapi usahalah. Tak rugi, aku janji.

Itu yang aku cuba buat. Melupakan, memaafkan. Ikut haluan betul, panjat anak tangga satu-satu, kayuh perlahan-lahan. It doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you keep moving. Stop thinking about the things that makes you sad and feel useless. Stop thinking about the things you should have done to make it right. Lagi-lagi bila dia berhenti mengejar kau, lagi lah kau kena berhenti. Tak ada guna, kejar benda yang tak dikejar.




Bergerak lah. Atau, move on.

Common sense

Kalau cinta itu pada rupa, nanti pada rupa juga ia mati.
Kita tak selamanya cantik, tak selamanya muda.

Kalau cinta itu pada rupa, sampai ketua pun tidak.
Walau gembira nampak bukan sahaja di pipi yang tersenyum.
Nanti ada yang dipertikai, tak sesempurna dahulu.

"Ada bezanya engkau, aku mahukan yang dahulu."

Kalau cinta itu pada harta, mati juga pada kekangan.
Harta itu dikejar, tak lari, tak kejar, tak dapat.
Boleh hilang jika tak dijaga.
Kalau biasa disuap harta, bila tak disuap, lapar.

Lapar harta.


Kalau cinta itu kerana kau cinta dia.
Maka kau hiduplah dengan cinta.
Selamanya disiram kasih sayangnya. Selamanya kau akan disuap cinta, sampai sudah kau kekenyangan.
Sampai ketua kau rasa cintanya. Tak akan kekekangan kalau  sudah namanya cinta.

Tolong

Aku tak mahu lah dikongkong terlalu rapat. Aku bukannya liar.
Aku ini remaja.

Beri lah peluang aku keluar, lepak, macam pelesit sehari dua.
Aku tahu tempat aku di mana. Tak jauh ke langit aku lari.
Hujung dunia pun tidak.

Beri lah aku kepercayaan. Aku pun mahu rasa remaja.